This month is my son’s 4th birthday and I’ve been thinking back to when he was born…wanting to blog about it here. However, it occurred to me that I’ve written letters to my children since before they were born. So, I think I’ll just copy the words from those letters I wrote to him about his birthday here. (sorry for the crazy formatting…I can’t get it straight).
September 18, 2005:
Giving birth to you will forever be one of the happiest and one of the saddest days of my life – if not THE happiest and THE saddest. During birth, you suffered great trauma – sub arachnoid hemorrhage. I’m still learning what that is, but basically it’s bleeding in the brain caused from your little head being squished in the birth canal. I wish we could rewind and do the entire day over with a C-section. But we had no way of knowing this would happen.
I pushed for 2 hours and it was the most beautiful 2 hours of my life. Your dad was just wonderful. It was so much fun & we really just couldn’t believe it could be so fantastic.
Once you were born, we immediately knew there was a problem. It was intense. You’ve been in the “special care unit” each day. I finally got to hold you and touch you yesterday. It took so long because during delivery, I had a fever.
I’m going to be straight with you. The prognosis is uncertain. You may come out of this perfectly healthy, or you may have severe brain damage. If there is any any chance of you living a normal life, we will not allow to you look at any disability you may have as a barrier. We will give you the support, love and skills needed to be as self-sufficient as you’re able to be – which is no different than we would do if this had not happened. We love you even more – if that’s possible!
I want to take away your pain & suffer for you. Your dad has never experienced anything even remotely close to this either. It’s such a challenging time & we are doing our best. Our TEAM is pulling together and we have a plan. Of course, we just learned that no matter how well you plan, you may never have control over the outcome.
But we do have control over loving & supporting each other. We can let this get the best of us or we can use this as an opportunity to be stronger. We choose to learn and grow from this. We are a TEAM of winners. We may not always win the game, but we take away more than we came with…we take away a learning experience. You have a lot going for you. The best part is that you have our love and support.
Please be strong. We love you. Welcome to our TEAM. We can’t wait to bring you home once you are physically able. This is a rough and emotional time. The only thing I have to compare this to is my mother’s death. I want to remain positive.
We’re so fortunate and so honored to be your parents. We love you very much. It’s so quiet around here. We need to have you home!! I’m going to see you this morning. I’m so excited…gotta run now and get ready for my sweet baby.
Oh-you are on the prayer list at over 10 churches now. If you have a thousand prayers being said for you, then I’m sure God will hear them all. You’ve got great things in your future. I love you.
It was a very traumatic day at the hospital. You are learning how to eat and it’s not as easy as we think. It’s actually very complicated. It was hard watching you try to coordinate swallowing and breathing. You were hurting and I didn’t want you to hurt. You are my sweet baby son and it’s just hard to know you are suffering.
For the first time since you were born, I feel depressed. But I know the cure for it!! All I need is to see you and I’ll be fine. But the nurse said I can’t come back until 8 pm. I think she just wants me out of her hair. I can’t stand you being up there alone. She said you ate again. I’m glad I wasn’t there because I really can’t handle it.
You seem like you’re in so much pain when you eat. I cry and just feel your pain. I wish I could take it all away from you. I wish I could make it just go away. Once we get you home, it will be better. Now is rough on all 3 of us. Your dad and I are handling it well I think. We do have our moments when we want to say something unguarded. Our patience is being tested. It’s hard to really think of anything else. You are all that is important. I’m depressed because I want to be with you. I was really worried that I’d have a huge problem with post partum depression. but I’ve been fine except for right now. Guess I’ll just clean some more. 3 hours left until I see you.
Your appetite is picking up. They are increasing your intake to 1.5 oz. Tomorrow you might start eating 2 oz. If you do that, then we’re really in trouble!
The past week and a half has been very stressful and also joyful. It’s mixed. We’re happy when we see you and hold you. But we want you home. You’ll be happier here.
Right now we’re not really sure what exactly caused this. The nurses and doctors saved your life. You were born lifeless. No movement, no breathing, no crying.
You’re home!!!!! Dana was your nurse today. She told the doctor that she didn’t think you need to be there and to discharge you. He did. Yea Dana! He said they were running out of reasons to keep you. You were a very sick little boy initially. But with each hour you grew stronger. We’re so happy you’re home. So is Winnie the Pooh! He’s been waiting for you the whole time. You’re sleeping in your swing now. You’ve already had a poopy diaper.